5 Weeks, Post-Reboot.

So here's the thing. Dieting sucks. We all know this. And in order not to repeat myself, I'll forego the usual whining. I will however, make note of how the differences between Round 1 and Round 2 of JUDDDing are going. So far, the rate of loss seems similar. I'll know more once I get below what I have now come to recognize as a setpoint of between 215 and 220. My bod likes to be there. I don't like it there. My setpoint and I have agreed to disagree, and now comes the battle royale.

I plan on winning this one again, barring any huge emotional upset. Seems I get one each year, and I'm desperately hoping 2014 leaves my psyche alone. I'm still reeling from the death of my sister in May, and need a break to really get my head in the game, long term.

I've been on JUDDD since January 11, and since Dec 31, I have seen a loss of a little under 10 pounds, or a little over 10 pounds, based on which day you use to gauge the loss. (Had a couple days of off-program because life happens while you diet). So the range I've been using has been more lax this time around, because 50 calories here or there on a down day won't really derail anything, but once again, I can stall myself if my up day calories are too high. Duh. Today I weighed in at 214.6, and was 223 when the new year rang in.

So now that I've done what is essentially a refeed, I can actually cut today's up cals to a pretty low range. Ah, the best laid plans...

Found out that garcinia cambogia is a nice way to curb appetite and cravings, but once it builds in my system, it causes wonderfully persistent migraines. So I'm giving what's left of my bottle away to a friend with a lap band who has use for it.

I've been going to the gym this time around too, and I've gotta tell ya, working out at 52 isn't like working out at 22. Or 32. Or 42. Stuff hurts a lot faster, and DOMS hangs around a lot longer. I'm working on stamina right now, with strength right behind. What I can manage right now is pathetic compared to where I was just a few years ago. But that's the beautiful thing about the human body. You can bring it back, as long as illness or injury doesn't get in the way. I'm not sick, and I'm not hurt, so I'm going to push what I can without causing illness or injury.

Spring is just around the corner, and I'm looking forward to outdoor activity. Yay Spring.

Can A Tattoo's Meaning Change?

Phoenix risen. Today I had a small epiphany, and really need to put this thought to "paper".

In April of 2012, I was roughly 30 pounds from my goal weight, and had promised myself a reward for the incredibly satisfying accomplishment of reaching goal weight. Instead, I got ahead of myself, and had a tattoo of a phoenix put on my back, heralding in permanent ink, the symbol of a new start. My new start as a thin person. But I had not reached my goal. It was a fraud. I was a fraud. My phoenix was not the symbol of renewal I had envisioned. It was not a confirmation of my goals being met. It was however, a harbinger.

What I had neglected to remember about the myth was that the phoenix had to die in a fiery blaze first, and be reduced to ashes before it could be reborn. Today I see I lived the process in its entirety, regardless of my ignorance of picking that particular symbol. Because first and foremost, it means death. Being reduced to elementary ash. And the rising is not just automatic. It takes effort to come back from ash.

About a month ago, my depression lifted. At least part of it did. I had been carrying that around for three years this time. Usually it lifts after two, but I have had a rough three years. The events since mid 2010 reduced my spirit to ash.

So now, more than ever, the phoenix is the right symbol for me. I'm back doing JUDDD, and in the last 7 days have lost 3 pounds. I'm at 219, and even though I'm only at the end of the first week, Version 2, the diet once again shows it's effective. I will update the graph once I am no longer ashamed of how low my spirit had gotten. Because yes, that's part of the whole process.

Shame. Despair. Hopelessness. A rebirth does not mean you have shed all those things, it simply means you decide to rise above it. Be reborn into the image you desire, and not shoehorned into something  less than worthy of your own dreams.

Let's try this again, shall we?

Day 1, Again.

It's amazing how resilient the human spirit can be, and how many people can transcend personal grief, tragedy, and recover from their traumas. I don't believe I have ever been that kind of person. I will move past these events, but they stay with me always. They hinder me greatly, and take up space in my head when I don't want them there.

Some of these traumas are transformed into personal lessons and become helpful nuggets, others are simply baggage I don't need and don't want. It's said that the mind buries bad memories and highlights the good. I find the opposite to be true, but have at the very least, a personal stubbornness that refuses to lay down and submit to the inevitability of the hurts that makes up a full life.

Diet in particular has become a problem, and this is something I dreaded back when I was a child. My mother has always struggled with weight, and in the last decades has decided it is not worth the effort to diet. She is almost a cripple now, trapped within her obese body, unable to really fend for herself any longer. Her highlight is taking the car to the supermarket and tooling around in an electric cart.

I swore I would never become "fat" like my mom, back when vows were sacred, and intentions were met with unswerving success. I have since learned that many, many obstacles would be placed in my path, and some were of my own placing. Along the way I got fat, and hope was driven from my psyche. I still struggle with both controlling the direction of my weight on a daily basis, and I have given up on having hope restored to me. I do without hope. It's ok. I find I don't really need it if I'm stubborn enough.

So today I re-engage with the JUDDD diet, since it works, and I still want to be 70 pounds lighter. I start with a Down day today, Day 1, at 215.2 pounds. Maybe this time the fates or karma, or whatever lays in wait will leave me be long enough that I can meet this personal goal at last.

Escapism and Mortality.

Things have not gotten better, and the weight continued to creep up and up. Today I see 213.6 on the scale. I have even given up on dieting for the last two months, since each time I rededicated myself to getting back to JUDDD I simply could not mentally commit to following a diet.

And less than three weeks ago, my family was hit with a grievous loss. My sister has died, after fighting cancer for over three years.

It seems wrong to focus on myself now, but in a way, I think she's with me and giving me strength to once again honor myself and try to become more comfortable in my skin.

The rest will take longer. Much, much longer.

Rebirth.

OK, this is a tough post to write, for many reasons. The last update I did was roughly mid-June, when I was doing really well, and my weight was roughly 175. I would see the scale dip to 173 before I felt devastation on a major scale. I don't think I've ever felt more defeated. In terms of self-image and the shattering of trust, this is as bad as it gets.

I think I am done with feeling the worst of it, and can once again focus on moving forward with my own personal journey of self empowerment. I can't undo what's done. I just need to stay positive, focused and strong.

Starting again is so familiar to me now, it's like putting on a pair of shoes. My weight from three days ago was 199.4, and I'm finishing a bout with the flu. Maybe that was the sign to rededicate, maybe the beginning of 2013. Maybe the end of 2012. I have no clue. I just know it's time.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

Twenty-Nine weeks.

It's been a while since I've blogged, but not because I had nothing new to say. There just comes a time when you have to sit back and participate, rather than blog. So I participated. My stepdaughter got married, we all went to Vegas, I helped some friends through some tough times, I am still waiting for others to get through theirs. Life happens.

I am continuing to diet using Johnson's Alternate-Day Diet. This method lets me lose weight. Since I am not really measuring body composition, I can't tell you to this day how much muscle versus fat has been retained or lost. However, I am strong, I feel good, and even if I have a bit of extra skin where there wasn't before, I am happier with sags and wrinkles rather than plumpness.

And it is with a grim satisfaction I can report that I zipped up a well-loved (but never worn) orange silk suit skirt today which has sat in my closet for two decades. It does not fit well. Yet. But it does not scream for mercy; the seams are not bulging, and I can sit in it for a short period of time if needs be. But needs will not be, so I can wait to unveil this outfit when it looks stunning, and not just barely fitting.

So the weight report is this: 174.2  today, after an UP day. Yesterday I was a pound lighter. And so it goes. I have noticed I have one really good week in each month where I lose weight like it's being stolen right off my body. It's the way it works for me, and even if I don't lose one more pound for the rest of the month, that one week's "whoosh" makes it all worth it.

At least two people have told me in no uncertain terms that intermittent fasting will "ruin my metabolism" if I continue with it, long term. I tell them politely that eating 5-6 small meals a day packs weight onto my body with gusto. Using that method is like a smorgasbord for my fat cells. If intermittent fasting is ruining my metabolism, you are assuming it was working correctly to begin with.

Which it wasn't. Which is why I couldn't lose weight. Clue here, for all those who say I will ruin my metabolism. IT WAS ALREADY RUINED. This is fixing things.

Let me be. I'm doing really, really well, and I'm healthy, and I'm happy. Be happy with me.

Seventeen Weeks.

I am getting tired of reporting on Mondays how little weight loss I can report. 188.6 this morning, after doing another week with two "down" days in a row.

I am starting to get annoyed and resentful of dieting, and I am still on track. Why?

Is it another hormone my body is throwing into the mix in order to derail my efforts? Does becoming irritable and impatient lead back to another mechanism for preservation of my fat?

Or maybe I'm just crabby because the loss is simply not fast enough for me.

Dunno, but I'm too stressed to blog about it today.