It's amazing how resilient the human spirit can be, and how many people can transcend personal grief, tragedy, and recover from their traumas. I don't believe I have ever been that kind of person. I will move past these events, but they stay with me always. They hinder me greatly, and take up space in my head when I don't want them there.
Some of these traumas are transformed into personal lessons and become helpful nuggets, others are simply baggage I don't need and don't want. It's said that the mind buries bad memories and highlights the good. I find the opposite to be true, but have at the very least, a personal stubbornness that refuses to lay down and submit to the inevitability of the hurts that makes up a full life.
Diet in particular has become a problem, and this is something I dreaded back when I was a child. My mother has always struggled with weight, and in the last decades has decided it is not worth the effort to diet. She is almost a cripple now, trapped within her obese body, unable to really fend for herself any longer. Her highlight is taking the car to the supermarket and tooling around in an electric cart.
I swore I would never become "fat" like my mom, back when vows were sacred, and intentions were met with unswerving success. I have since learned that many, many obstacles would be placed in my path, and some were of my own placing. Along the way I got fat, and hope was driven from my psyche. I still struggle with both controlling the direction of my weight on a daily basis, and I have given up on having hope restored to me. I do without hope. It's ok. I find I don't really need it if I'm stubborn enough.
So today I re-engage with the JUDDD diet, since it works, and I still want to be 70 pounds lighter. I start with a Down day today, Day 1, at 215.2 pounds. Maybe this time the fates or karma, or whatever lays in wait will leave me be long enough that I can meet this personal goal at last.
