5 Weeks, Post-Reboot.

So here's the thing. Dieting sucks. We all know this. And in order not to repeat myself, I'll forego the usual whining. I will however, make note of how the differences between Round 1 and Round 2 of JUDDDing are going. So far, the rate of loss seems similar. I'll know more once I get below what I have now come to recognize as a setpoint of between 215 and 220. My bod likes to be there. I don't like it there. My setpoint and I have agreed to disagree, and now comes the battle royale.

I plan on winning this one again, barring any huge emotional upset. Seems I get one each year, and I'm desperately hoping 2014 leaves my psyche alone. I'm still reeling from the death of my sister in May, and need a break to really get my head in the game, long term.

I've been on JUDDD since January 11, and since Dec 31, I have seen a loss of a little under 10 pounds, or a little over 10 pounds, based on which day you use to gauge the loss. (Had a couple days of off-program because life happens while you diet). So the range I've been using has been more lax this time around, because 50 calories here or there on a down day won't really derail anything, but once again, I can stall myself if my up day calories are too high. Duh. Today I weighed in at 214.6, and was 223 when the new year rang in.

So now that I've done what is essentially a refeed, I can actually cut today's up cals to a pretty low range. Ah, the best laid plans...

Found out that garcinia cambogia is a nice way to curb appetite and cravings, but once it builds in my system, it causes wonderfully persistent migraines. So I'm giving what's left of my bottle away to a friend with a lap band who has use for it.

I've been going to the gym this time around too, and I've gotta tell ya, working out at 52 isn't like working out at 22. Or 32. Or 42. Stuff hurts a lot faster, and DOMS hangs around a lot longer. I'm working on stamina right now, with strength right behind. What I can manage right now is pathetic compared to where I was just a few years ago. But that's the beautiful thing about the human body. You can bring it back, as long as illness or injury doesn't get in the way. I'm not sick, and I'm not hurt, so I'm going to push what I can without causing illness or injury.

Spring is just around the corner, and I'm looking forward to outdoor activity. Yay Spring.

Can A Tattoo's Meaning Change?

Phoenix risen. Today I had a small epiphany, and really need to put this thought to "paper".

In April of 2012, I was roughly 30 pounds from my goal weight, and had promised myself a reward for the incredibly satisfying accomplishment of reaching goal weight. Instead, I got ahead of myself, and had a tattoo of a phoenix put on my back, heralding in permanent ink, the symbol of a new start. My new start as a thin person. But I had not reached my goal. It was a fraud. I was a fraud. My phoenix was not the symbol of renewal I had envisioned. It was not a confirmation of my goals being met. It was however, a harbinger.

What I had neglected to remember about the myth was that the phoenix had to die in a fiery blaze first, and be reduced to ashes before it could be reborn. Today I see I lived the process in its entirety, regardless of my ignorance of picking that particular symbol. Because first and foremost, it means death. Being reduced to elementary ash. And the rising is not just automatic. It takes effort to come back from ash.

About a month ago, my depression lifted. At least part of it did. I had been carrying that around for three years this time. Usually it lifts after two, but I have had a rough three years. The events since mid 2010 reduced my spirit to ash.

So now, more than ever, the phoenix is the right symbol for me. I'm back doing JUDDD, and in the last 7 days have lost 3 pounds. I'm at 219, and even though I'm only at the end of the first week, Version 2, the diet once again shows it's effective. I will update the graph once I am no longer ashamed of how low my spirit had gotten. Because yes, that's part of the whole process.

Shame. Despair. Hopelessness. A rebirth does not mean you have shed all those things, it simply means you decide to rise above it. Be reborn into the image you desire, and not shoehorned into something  less than worthy of your own dreams.

Let's try this again, shall we?