Phoenix risen. Today I had a small epiphany, and really need to put this thought to "paper".
In April of 2012, I was roughly 30 pounds from my goal weight, and had promised myself a reward for the incredibly satisfying accomplishment of reaching goal weight. Instead, I got ahead of myself, and had a tattoo of a phoenix put on my back, heralding in permanent ink, the symbol of a new start. My new start as a thin person. But I had not reached my goal. It was a fraud. I was a fraud. My phoenix was not the symbol of renewal I had envisioned. It was not a confirmation of my goals being met. It was however, a harbinger.
What I had neglected to remember about the myth was that the phoenix had to die in a fiery blaze first, and be reduced to ashes before it could be reborn. Today I see I lived the process in its entirety, regardless of my ignorance of picking that particular symbol. Because first and foremost, it means death. Being reduced to elementary ash. And the rising is not just automatic. It takes effort to come back from ash.
About a month ago, my depression lifted. At least part of it did. I had been carrying that around for three years this time. Usually it lifts after two, but I have had a rough three years. The events since mid 2010 reduced my spirit to ash.
So now, more than ever, the phoenix is the right symbol for me. I'm back doing JUDDD, and in the last 7 days have lost 3 pounds. I'm at 219, and even though I'm only at the end of the first week, Version 2, the diet once again shows it's effective. I will update the graph once I am no longer ashamed of how low my spirit had gotten. Because yes, that's part of the whole process.
Shame. Despair. Hopelessness. A rebirth does not mean you have shed all those things, it simply means you decide to rise above it. Be reborn into the image you desire, and not shoehorned into something less than worthy of your own dreams.
Let's try this again, shall we?
