Day 1, Again.

It's amazing how resilient the human spirit can be, and how many people can transcend personal grief, tragedy, and recover from their traumas. I don't believe I have ever been that kind of person. I will move past these events, but they stay with me always. They hinder me greatly, and take up space in my head when I don't want them there.

Some of these traumas are transformed into personal lessons and become helpful nuggets, others are simply baggage I don't need and don't want. It's said that the mind buries bad memories and highlights the good. I find the opposite to be true, but have at the very least, a personal stubbornness that refuses to lay down and submit to the inevitability of the hurts that makes up a full life.

Diet in particular has become a problem, and this is something I dreaded back when I was a child. My mother has always struggled with weight, and in the last decades has decided it is not worth the effort to diet. She is almost a cripple now, trapped within her obese body, unable to really fend for herself any longer. Her highlight is taking the car to the supermarket and tooling around in an electric cart.

I swore I would never become "fat" like my mom, back when vows were sacred, and intentions were met with unswerving success. I have since learned that many, many obstacles would be placed in my path, and some were of my own placing. Along the way I got fat, and hope was driven from my psyche. I still struggle with both controlling the direction of my weight on a daily basis, and I have given up on having hope restored to me. I do without hope. It's ok. I find I don't really need it if I'm stubborn enough.

So today I re-engage with the JUDDD diet, since it works, and I still want to be 70 pounds lighter. I start with a Down day today, Day 1, at 215.2 pounds. Maybe this time the fates or karma, or whatever lays in wait will leave me be long enough that I can meet this personal goal at last.

Escapism and Mortality.

Things have not gotten better, and the weight continued to creep up and up. Today I see 213.6 on the scale. I have even given up on dieting for the last two months, since each time I rededicated myself to getting back to JUDDD I simply could not mentally commit to following a diet.

And less than three weeks ago, my family was hit with a grievous loss. My sister has died, after fighting cancer for over three years.

It seems wrong to focus on myself now, but in a way, I think she's with me and giving me strength to once again honor myself and try to become more comfortable in my skin.

The rest will take longer. Much, much longer.

Rebirth.

OK, this is a tough post to write, for many reasons. The last update I did was roughly mid-June, when I was doing really well, and my weight was roughly 175. I would see the scale dip to 173 before I felt devastation on a major scale. I don't think I've ever felt more defeated. In terms of self-image and the shattering of trust, this is as bad as it gets.

I think I am done with feeling the worst of it, and can once again focus on moving forward with my own personal journey of self empowerment. I can't undo what's done. I just need to stay positive, focused and strong.

Starting again is so familiar to me now, it's like putting on a pair of shoes. My weight from three days ago was 199.4, and I'm finishing a bout with the flu. Maybe that was the sign to rededicate, maybe the beginning of 2013. Maybe the end of 2012. I have no clue. I just know it's time.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

Twenty-Nine weeks.

It's been a while since I've blogged, but not because I had nothing new to say. There just comes a time when you have to sit back and participate, rather than blog. So I participated. My stepdaughter got married, we all went to Vegas, I helped some friends through some tough times, I am still waiting for others to get through theirs. Life happens.

I am continuing to diet using Johnson's Alternate-Day Diet. This method lets me lose weight. Since I am not really measuring body composition, I can't tell you to this day how much muscle versus fat has been retained or lost. However, I am strong, I feel good, and even if I have a bit of extra skin where there wasn't before, I am happier with sags and wrinkles rather than plumpness.

And it is with a grim satisfaction I can report that I zipped up a well-loved (but never worn) orange silk suit skirt today which has sat in my closet for two decades. It does not fit well. Yet. But it does not scream for mercy; the seams are not bulging, and I can sit in it for a short period of time if needs be. But needs will not be, so I can wait to unveil this outfit when it looks stunning, and not just barely fitting.

So the weight report is this: 174.2  today, after an UP day. Yesterday I was a pound lighter. And so it goes. I have noticed I have one really good week in each month where I lose weight like it's being stolen right off my body. It's the way it works for me, and even if I don't lose one more pound for the rest of the month, that one week's "whoosh" makes it all worth it.

At least two people have told me in no uncertain terms that intermittent fasting will "ruin my metabolism" if I continue with it, long term. I tell them politely that eating 5-6 small meals a day packs weight onto my body with gusto. Using that method is like a smorgasbord for my fat cells. If intermittent fasting is ruining my metabolism, you are assuming it was working correctly to begin with.

Which it wasn't. Which is why I couldn't lose weight. Clue here, for all those who say I will ruin my metabolism. IT WAS ALREADY RUINED. This is fixing things.

Let me be. I'm doing really, really well, and I'm healthy, and I'm happy. Be happy with me.

Seventeen Weeks.

I am getting tired of reporting on Mondays how little weight loss I can report. 188.6 this morning, after doing another week with two "down" days in a row.

I am starting to get annoyed and resentful of dieting, and I am still on track. Why?

Is it another hormone my body is throwing into the mix in order to derail my efforts? Does becoming irritable and impatient lead back to another mechanism for preservation of my fat?

Or maybe I'm just crabby because the loss is simply not fast enough for me.

Dunno, but I'm too stressed to blog about it today.

Sixteen Weeks.

Today I weighed in at 191. I'm a smidge higher than three days ago, when I saw 189.4 briefly. It was exhilarating.

Then Mother Nature intervened, and last night was the beginning of this month's cycle. It explains two things I had noticed two days earlier: a ravenous appetite, and a slowdown of weight loss... once again, the diabolical bloat.

The reason I'm annoyed at the bloat, was because mid-week finally saw the last of February's water retention episode go away, and I started to see the scale really move again. Now the brakes are back on because of those pesky female hormones. Rats!

And soon will come the migraines. Double rats! Well, them's the breaks. On the upside, at least now my appetite will normalize, in a few days the bloat will reduce, and I will look forward to at least a week of steady progress. Unless of course, my body decides something else for me.

Today I am doing a second "down" day in a row to shift around my eating cycle, because on this upcoming Saturday, I will be expected to have meals. I had previously posted that I was considering doing two "down" days in a row for the same reason, and I can now report it is a no-brainer. Easy as pie, do-able, etc. No ill effects, no huge energy crash, no shakes, no headaches, no jitteriness. Nothing to indicate anything but smooth sailing. That was back around Valentine's Day, and I was concerned about the blowback from doing the dreaded two "down" days in a row we had been advised against. Of course, if someone has health issues, this may not be as easy.

It's funny what the hormone dance will do to me. When that time of month comes around, my appetite is turbo-boosted, but not my hunger. I'm not hungry, per se, but simply want to eat everything in sight. Until I'm overfull. And then regretful. This is called a binge in some circles, but these binges are controlled, and counted. Being accountable makes me less likely to overeat. I track the calories immediately, and am less likely to grab the next handy item until I read the label and decide how far I'm willing to go.

The really nice thing about this diet is it's forgiveness. If you have a good cycle for the next few days, it all is forgiven, and gains go away. The mistakes are erased, and all you've lost is half a week, if that. Sometimes the scale even surprises you with a loss you didn't expect. Not often, I'll grant, but often enough that people remark on it with glee. It happens rarely with me, but I do love when it happens!

I need to go food shopping now. I'm out of cod.

Fifteen Weeks.

Seems like last week I was at 192.8. Wait, that's because I was. Another week of no progress, and I am blaming water again. I have two more days to meet February's goal of 192. I think it will happen, either on or around that date. I believe I can claim 8 pounds of weight loss since January 31, since I weighed in at 200 on that date.

The problem overall is finding the correct formula for consistent weight loss without throwing a monkeywrench into the mix. I seem to have a large collection of monkeywrenches, and really don't know enough about my own body chemistry to keep weight loss at any sort of reliable pace.

Another side effect to this diet that can mess with your head is the natural "bounce" of numbers on the scale. The caloric cycle of up/down/up/down reflects each day as fluctuations on the scale. Whereas a day after a "down" day may be a new low weight, the very next day will "bounce" the scale up, sometimes two pounds.

Even if this is followed again by a strict "down" day (where the scale still hasn't recovered from the upward "bounce") water retention may still be in play, due to several possible factors.

• Carbohydrate-regulated retention, caused by molecules of water binding to residual carbs in the body. 
• Muscle-repair regulated retention, because exercise will stress muscles, which causes water to flood the injured areas
• Bowel-regulated retention, due to irregularities in elimination (a nice way to say water is flooding the intestines in order to get you to poop)
• Hormone bloat (for women, who retain water during certain times of the month)
• Medication gain, where some meds will cause a ridiculous bloatfest.
• And dehydration, which makes you retain water if you don't drink enough. 

I won't bother to mention the weight of waste in your system due to the food ingested the day before. I think enough poop talk has been mentioned already.

So, is there any way around the water retention effect? Nope. It will happen. It will happen a lot.

Dealing with scale "bounce" is not a fiery sign that something has gone wrong. It means the diet is just reflecting one of the scenarios listed above, if not more than one. I find there is no reason to freak out, it's just incredibly annoying that waiting for your body to get over itself can fritter away so much time better spent shopping for smaller clothing sizes.

I have stoically endured two weeks of normal "bounce" before the scale started to move downward again. I endured a whole month of it due to meds.

Now I need to go and drink some water, in order to make water weight go away. Counter-intuitive? You bet!